How Not To Become An Afterschool Special

In January, we were in Eugene for dinner and a show. A BROADWAY Show! Getting out of Newport, here on the Oregon Coast, can be quite refreshing. Especially after a long holiday of avoiding holiday parties.

Fun Fact: It rains twice as much on the Oregon Coast as the Willamette Valley.

The Oregon Coast can become a bit claustrophobic in the winter. As an introvert, that’s not usually a problem for me, but even I like to get out and touch the non-salt-covered grass occasionally.

Eugene was relatively uneventful. The Show was unremarkable and the food was adequate. Just what you expect on a trip to Eugene.

But this isn’t about Eugene and its small town charm. No. This is about the drive home from Eugene.

The drive from Eugene back to the coast is a windy, sickening drive. Unpleasant, but, I’m told, quite scenic. I sit in the back seat through the windy areas because I’m convinced sitting in the backseat gives me a lower chance of vomiting by the side of Highway 126.

The drive west on State Highway 126 proved uneventful for the majority of the trip. The rain held off until the Knowles Creek Tunnel. Only once did I make K.L. pull over so I could un-dizzy myself.

Just after Mapleton, yeah, there’s a city called Mapleton, the highway suddenly stops winding and S-curving. It’s around Mapleton where the road begins hugging the Siuslaw River what is called a tidal estuary.

I usually love this part of the drive. The river widens, there are various seabirds, and the whole scenery changes back into coastal loveliness. Not Coastal Range stomach-churning chaos.

But, that Sunday was not to be a chill ride. Oh no, it was not indeed.

The river was lovely, but we noticed it was also quite high. Being a tidal estuary, this is common. The river goes up and down with the tide. I, however, forgot that it was the last day of THE KING TIDES.

The King Tides are quite the event here on the Oregon Coast. People come here all the way from Eugene and Corvallis to see them. Before we moved to Newport, I had never heard of these so-called King Tides. I only knew about normal non-King tide tides.

As I understand, due to the positioning of the moon being closer to the earth than usual and lined up just right with the sun, the tides become much higher than usual. Throw in a storm out to sea, and you get some crazy high waves and tides.

As we approached the hamlet of Cushman, just four miles from Highway 101, we noticed the river was overtopping the banks to our left.

Houses were underwater.

Cars were underwater.

But, the traffic was still moving. Who were we to question the vagaries of traffic movement.

And then? The Cushman Rail Bridge underpass. Water seemed to be pooling under the bridge. The cars and pickups were still barreling through it and so did we. The south side of the highway was completely underwater under that bridge, but we were able to make it through without an issue.

We drive a Honda CRV Hybrid. Fancy, I know, but I do worry about high water zapping the electrical part of the engine. I assume it’s a valid concern, but have never actually opened the hood.

When we crested the little hill that emerged from the underpass, we were a little shocked. The river seemed to be flowing over the road ahead of us.

I looked behind us. The water was rushing in and filling the underpass quickly.

Oops.

Maybe we shouldn’t have taken 126.

In front of us the river was flowing over the road like it was trying to cut a new channel through the new pavement.

We were stuck between moist and getting pretty wet.

We were in the westbound lane where the water was a little shallower. Still deep enough that we should not have been there, but what do we know, we’re from Newport, not Cushman!

In front of us and behind us, cars were turning around. People were panicking. I was panicking. We all were panicking!

The first thing that went through my mind was: we are going to be on TV, or even worse, Facebook Local Group, as an example of what NOT to do in a flood. I could already envision the comments: “That’s what you get when you drive through high water you stupid moron” x1000.

But, we were surrounded by water and it kept coming over the banks, so we did the only thing we could.

We went THROUGH it, and as everybody knows… sometimes the only way out is through. That works here, right?

I don’t know how high the water was, probably around two feet or three feet. Lyni gunned it, Finny filmed it, and I was freaking out, yelling “Go, go, go!” Who wouldn’t freak out? I freak out in mild turbulence on a 747. This was actually dangerous.

I checked behind us. The water from the river really was flowing, like a river that it was, behind us over the road. The Siuslaw River was trying to KILL us!

K.L. is a great driver. Luckily, the water was clear and we could see the white edge line on our side of the road. I couldn’t see it on the other lane’s line, but people were still dumping through it anyhow.

I had no idea if the whole river was going to suddenly pour across and wash us away like one of the non-Noah’s from the time of Noah. The King Tides and rain in the mountains had created pure chaos along that little stretch of highway.

After unintentionally fording the Siuslaw River one last time… we somehow made it free from the waters. We could see the bright lights of Florence, Oregon.

We got to high ground and made it to town. I don’t know what happened to the hundreds of cars behind us, but I assume they had a long day being stuck in floodwaters.

We sat by the side of the road hyperventilating. My heart rate was probably 200 bpm. That was as close to a watery grave as I’ve ever experienced.. There was only one thing that we could think of that would calm us all down:

Shopping.

Thankfully, we found a Garden Shoppe just up 101. We parked, and all three of us went in shaking.

The Garden Shoppe

It might seem strange that a Garden Shoppe would be the best thing for us after a near-death experience, but I didn’t have any valium and didn’t know any dealers (AKA Anxiety Doctors) in Florence, Oregon. The best thing to calm dopamine, according to science, is to buy stuff you can’t afford. KL Rockwell is the best at this.

My beautiful wife and son had found what they wanted: A big crystal table light. Just what every house needs, right? Here’s a pic:

I thought to myself, this thing is probably super expensive and we’re running out of room on my Discover Card. But, to my delight, the big crystal lamp only cost $15.00. The pricetag said so right on its base.

I said: “Perfect! Let’s get it!” We don’t usually get out of a Garden Center for less than $100.

Both Lyni and Fineas were shocked. SHOCKED! That I would just… buy something like that. So I went to the counter and plunked it down. “I’ll take one of these.”

“Perfect,” said the cashier. She looked over the crystalish-style lamp and said: “That will be $85.00.”

What?

$85 I pointed to the base of the lamp that said: $15. She pointed to the crystal part and there was a hidden tag that read: $65.

After some haggling, we agreed I’d pay $65.00… and we left with the crystal light in hand.

Now, the crystal, known only as “The Drowning Stone,” sits in our living room, reminding us of the time we almost died in the King Tide Floods of 2026.

PS: After we got home, I looked up this stretch of road and flooding. Apparently, it happens so frequently, the locals only drive through here at low tide.

PPS: Note to self and others: Carry a tidal chart if you’re ever driving near a tidal estuary.