A Sea Lion Tried To Murder Me! 🦭🔪

But failed miserably.

Welcome to Adam Rockwell Is Probably Writing
Thanks so much for reading 😄

Note: This essay was recorded at The Sea Lion Docks

Preface & Warning

Below is a story of survival.

And sea lions.

It is not for the faint of heart.

But take comfort in the fact that I lived and no sea lions were harmed in the making of this article.

The only thing you really need to know is that:

The Ocean Wants Me DEAD!

But yet I still live. For now.

Sometimes I forget that the Pacific Ocean is just an underwater jungle that wants to kill me.

It wants me dead! 🌊
It wants my wife dead! 😭
It wants my cats dead! 😿

You NEVER know what’s going on under the waves out there. Even great white sharks are apparently swimming around. Those are Jaws-level sharks.

On top of all the murderous animals, the water is like 33° at all times.

For The Love Of Sea Lions 🦭

But all is not lost. Luckily, the Pacific also brings sea lions.

I LOVE sea lions. Sea lions are the absolute best type lions. They’ve got personality through the roof, are always joking around and are always hungry.

They’re just like me.

And the sea lions are everywhere. That is unless you want to actually see one of them. Then the sea lions mysteriously disappear, like the yeti.

Sometimes at night we can hear the dulcet calls of the sea lions here at The Sea Hag Luxury Apartments in Newport.

The local sea lions live down at the port about two miles away, but we can still hear them. I feel for people who’ve decided to live next to the port. How they sleep with those things barking all night is a mystery. I wouldn’t sleep at all.

🦭 The Dog That Wasn’t A Dog 🐶

Last winter we were down at Heceta Head chilling out on the mostly tourist-free beach. In Midsommer you need to walk two miles in stifling 63° heat to get to the beach. But in the winter? Forget about it. Front row parking spots just in front of Cape Cove.

That nice winter day, my son

Fineas Rockwell

and I had wandered down to the ocean under the Heceta Head Lighthouse and we saw what we thought was a dog paddling madly in the surf.

We were worried the dog was drowning.

So we cheered on the dog, “Come on boy! You can make it!! You need to live! Don’t let the Pacific get you too!”

The “dog” got closer and closer. He was gonna’ live!

You could only see his head and whiskers. I looked around for the owner but couldn’t see anybody who fit the description of a dog owner who lets their precious run wild on a beach. You know the type.

And then, to our horror, the dog emerged from the water onto the beach.

But it was not a dog.

It was a tiny little sea lion!

I didn’t even know they made little sea lions that small. I’m used to the 800 pounders begging for crab scraps from the shrimp chute at Pacific Seafoods.

The small sea lion looked exactly like a dog with its head poking out of the surf. I hadn’t even considered the fact that it might be a sea lion that wanted to kill me.

The little sea lion CHASED us off the beach. We hurried back, away from the sea lion, to safety.

But I did film it. <see video below>

For a brief moment, I thought the lion would come after us… and kill us. But luckily it just sat up on the beach screaming at us.

I understand that this little creature probably just wanted the bag of McDonald’s fries we were eating, but who knows—it had come from the murderous depths of the Pacific.

Sea Lion Viewing Etiquette 🍽️

Back in the day (the day being the 1980s) I would visit my grandmother in California. There was only one thing I wanted to do when I visited: go feed the sea lions at the Santa Cruz Wharf.

FEED THE SEA LIONS.

Apparently, this favorite activity of mine has fallen out of favor with naturalists. But I vividly remember buying minnows from vendors on the wharf and throwing them to the sea lions below.

It was an absolute blast.

When we moved to Newport, Oregon, here on the Central Oregon Coast, I was gutted, like a salmon, to learn that I couldn’t feed the sea lions down at The Sea Lion Docks.

Apparently, you are just supposed to stand there and watch them.

Boring.

I don’t know much about sea lions other than the fact that they are endlessly entertaining even when you’re not throwing small fish to them.

The first day we lived here we visited The Sea Lion Docks and I dared to laugh while watching the sea lions. You, apparently, DO NOT LAUGH while viewing sea lions. Even if you laugh WITH the sea lions, not AT the sea lions.

Respect the sea lions.

There are only two rules of Sea Lion Docks

Rule #1: Do NOT feed the sea lions even if they’re hungry.
Rule #2: Do not laugh at or with sea lions.

Follow these rules and the people around you will be happy. Break these rules and the sea lions will be happy, but the people won’t.

I can’t tell you what to regarding sea lions other than follow your heart.

Say what you will about sea lions, but I’m just going to go ahead and say it:

Sea Lions might be the best animal ever invented.

If they don’t murder you.

The End

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